Monday, March 28, 2011

O CANADA! Put Down The Donuts, Eh!

First let me make it clear that I am a Canadian, born and raised here and I love this country, I wouldn't trade it for any other place on the planet. Great now that we have that little tidbit of information out of the way, WHAT THE FUCK CANADA.

A recent study (full article here) was released stating that 23.8% of the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police for those wondering) was categorized as OBESE. No not overweight, not "chunky" not "big-boned" they don't have a fucking glandular problem but they are fucking McDonalds engorged OBESE porked-hambeasts.

Now upon the release of this study, the RCMP had a few options, they could ignore it or just give some crap about 'we are working to improve this, this is unacceptable etc etc.' Instead what do these mental timbits do? They fucking defend it.

Supt. Rich Boughen, director-general of the RCMP's occupational health and safety branch, said physical fitness must be promoted in the same way as smoking cessation and mental health.

"We are very representative of the population," Boughen said. "I think what it speaks to is that we hire real people who have real issues."
Isn't that the confidence you want from your police force? Hey Dudley fucking Do Right why don't you hire my neighbour down the street who forgets to wear pants half the time, wears a nice shiny purple helmet and has a speech impediment, HE HAS REAL FUCKING ISSUES TOO.

The last fucking thing I want to hear from the police department is "hey we're not special, we're just normal people trying to make it through life, really we got no fucking clue what we're doing" Doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

Contrary to what you may believe the RCMP won't hire anyone off the street, Most Mounties are at their physical peak just after recruitment and training, when they must pass a Physical Abilities Requirement Evaluation or PARE. The test — applied every three years for regular officers — includes a circuit of runs, jumps, hauls, pushes and pulls designed to simulate tasks officers perform in the line of duty. That sounds pretty good, right? Well it is, unless you fail....

The 23.8 per cent obesity figure is based on self-reported data between 2007 and 2010, but RCMP spokeswoman Const. Lucy Shorey said high muscle weight can skew some results. About 80 per cent of officers passed the PARE test at last count — up four per cent from two years earlier.

If a member fails, weight loss, exercise and nutrition programs are offered internally or covered through employee benefits. A member won't face immediate expulsion, but might be transferred to an office or driver's position.
Is anyone else getting flashbacks to The Simpsons episode when Homer gains a bunch of weight to be able to work for home? Believe me I don't usually link things back to The Simpsons but I think in this case it's extremely fitting. What kind of motivation is that? Hey Jimbo, you're 400 pounds either lose some weight or we're going to put you behind the desk with a full salary which should give you even more time to shovel the food down your fat gullet.

it's not my intention to come across as harsh on fat people or harsh on the RCMP, but they certainly aren't helping the stereotype of cops and doughnut shops

Sunday, March 27, 2011

FOLLOWUP/UPDATE- Cops Actually Find Jeffrey Crone

It only took 11 days after Jeffrey Crone walked out of the Hospital and past police, that the wonderful Chico Police Force was finally able to locate Jeffrey Crone, and this time they actually bothered to arrest him. full story here

No word on what the criminal mastermind is planning next...

Monday, March 21, 2011

32 Year Old Criminal Out Smarts Entire Police Force

So there I was, eating my delicious mixed berry muffin watching the news trying to figure out what my next blog post was going to be about, and then on the television screen I see this fine gentleman's picture:

Then I heard the story revolving this fine young man, and nearly choked to death on my muffin due to uncontrollable laughter.

Now you can read the full story HERE but I think this paragraph will tell you everything you need to know............
Police are continuing their search for the man shot by officers earlier this month in a high speed chase, after the man simply walked away from Enloe Medical Center in Chico.
Back on the 4th of March Mr. Crone was leading the police on high speed pursuit and eventually, after driving over 3 miles on flat tires, crashed into a parked car. Upon making contact with the parked car he did what anyone would do in that situation, he panicked and ended up putting the car in reverse colliding with a police patrol car. It is at this time that Butte County District Attorney Mike Ramsey (I'm not making that up by the way, the county is actually called Butte County) stated that "he is reaching wildly inside the car, causing concern with the officers that he had a gun, and he was shot".

Jeffrey Crone was shot, 3 times in total by the fine officers of Butte County resulting in almost a 2 week hospital stay. A hospital stay that ended simply when Mr. Crone got up and WALKED OUT THE FUCKING DOOR.

You might be wondering how the hell does something like this happen? Well the police force has a very simple answer for you,
The Chico Police Department said it couldn't pay for an officer to watch Crone and a hospital spokeswoman said Enloe followed "all hospital procedures and policies." So the man just walked out. As of this very moment, the police still haven't found him.

That's right, Jeffrey Crone was dangerous enough to shoot but not dangerous enough to watch! Did they not have a pair of extra handcuffs that they could have used to... I don't know say HANDCUFF HIM TO HIS FUCKING HOSPITAL BED? The fuck is wrong with you people? to make matters worse (or in the case of this blog, hilariously better) It is presumed that Crone left DURING THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S PRESS CONFERENCE.

It also has to make one wonder about the intelligence of the hospital staff, "oh hey look that guy who the police shot multiple times is leaving the hospital, have a nice day Mr. Crone!" I wonder if they gave him a special fucking sponge bath before he left.

What a giant embarrassing clusterfuck for all of those involved, well except for the criminal mastermind Jeffrey Crone

The only thing missing from this story is the fucking benny hill theme music.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

A Hilariously Depressing Trip To The Grocery Store

The story you are about to read is 100% fact, it happened to me on Tuesday. Unfortunately due to some issues (which will be another blog rant in itself) I haven't been able to publish it until now.

Remember, this actually happened

I went to a grocery store here in the city that's nice and close, it's called Fortino's. I had been there numerous times before, I knew exactly what I wanted and exactly where it was, the plan was simple. Get in, get the items, and get out. After Fortino's the plan was to go get a yummy delicious sub, and I was hungry! It started out like a normal trip and I smoothly maneuvered the store and got the four items that I wanted, then since I only had four items I figured the express line is the place to go! And so it began.

In front of me in line there were:
  1. An Old White Man
  2. An Indian Lady wearing a head dress thingie
  3. An Asian Lady
  4. Myself
  5. An Old White Lady behind me
Simple right?

Now at this Fortino's store, they are promoting some bullshit charity and have instructed the cashier to ask people if they would like to donate $2 to whatever fucking charity it is To be honest I don't even know what the charity is nor do I or you give a shit, but the point is it's a store run program so the cashier is instructed to ask every. fucking. customer.

Most people handle it well and just say NO or YES. However not angry old white man, he's got to place his hands on his hips and pronounced I DONT GIVE TO ANY CHARITIES! The cashier basically rolled her eyes and finished the transaction, I admire the cashier for handling it so well, I was in line.. laughing hard. Keep reading it gets better.

So the next woman is the Indian lady, she has just a couple of items as my mind starts to wander to what type of sub I'm going to get, and try to pay no further attention to the Indian Lady, before I know it the Asian lady is having her items rung through, I gaze over as the cashier asks "Do you need any bags today?" To which the Asian lady replies "No thanks, I brought my own" Perfect I thought, this is going well I'm going to have my sub in no time. So a minute or two passes and it's now my turn.

Now so far I have not been paying attention to the line, but I've been checking out the rack with the chips on them because I'm looking for Lays Ketchup Chips which are absolutely delicious, if you've never tried them I suggest you do it right fucking now, go ahead I'll wait for you to get some and then you can continue on reading this them? ok great, keep reading.

So the cashier asks me if I would like bags, and since I fucking hate the environment (read my earlier blog post to fully get that) I say "Yes please, double bag it" So the cashier turns and says "Can you please move your items" Puzzled I turn my head to the right and what do I see?

The fucking Indian idiot still there going through her wallet and trying to put change away AND The Asian lady searching through her purse for her reusable fucking shopping bags with her items still sitting in the express lane WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE

How is it that everyone gets so fucking consumed in themselves they don't think about anybody else? If you want to count your change MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.

and hey Asian lady, if you have your own fucking bags, maybe it would be a good idea to get them out BEFORE YOU FUCKING PAY. When the fuck did people become so stupid? I mean I'm used to stupidity, I deal with it on a daily basis, I expect the worst from people and they still manage to come in below my expectations! How is it that you're so fucking clueless that you don't realize you are in people's way, it's the express line for christs sake, EXPRESS YOUR ASS OUT OF MY GOD DAMN WAY.

As I stare at the fucking goofs in amazement, I turn my head to the left to see what the lady behind me is doing, now it's bad enough the old bat rammed her shopping cart into my basket (twice) but what do I see? The idiot has taken her 4 items out of her shopping cart.... AND LEFT THE SHOPPING CART BLOCKING THE REST OF THE LANE. Meaning the people behind her had to pull out her shopping cart and move it so they could advance and put their items on the belt, the best part was she was totally oblivious to the inconvenience she had caused, just standing there like a fucking idiot waiting to have her items rung through.

Needless to say I got the fuck out of there as quick as I could as I didn't want their stupidity to be contagious, but it was honestly one of the most fucked-up sequences I've ever experienced.

So what I want you to take from this post is, the next time you're at the grocery store - hell the next time you're out in public, fucking be aware of your surroundings, realize the whole fucking universe doesn't center on you and be respectful of those around you, common sense shouldn't be this fucking difficult!

And in case you're wondering, NO I didn't donate to the charity.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

If You Could Go Back In Time, What Would You Tell Yourself?

First and foremost I want to apologize to all my loyal followers for not updating in almost two weeks, the lack of good headline news and busy stuff in my personal life (read: lazy as shit) prevented me from updating on a more frequent basis, I hope to change that in the future.

I thought I'd take a break from my long winded wild rants to ask a deeper, more meaning question. The title basically says it all here, as I'm looking for feedback from the dozens of fantastically loyal followers that I have.

If you had an opportunity to go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself something- how far back would you go and what would you tell them?

Since it would be unfair to ask for your input without give an answer of my own-- I'd go back to high school and do... well I'd probably do everything differently. You see, back then I wasn't the sharp sonofabitch that I am today, I used to care about what people thought, I let what other people thought influence what I liked in a variety of places, such as food, sports, music movies, etc etc. The fact is I used to believe that people were good and intelligent creatures, I used to think that if I liked something that wasn't popular I was the one who was wrong. It wasn't until I was in my early twenties that it was finally hammered home that people are constantly listening to WII.FM (What's In it for me). Now if people don't like what I like, well they can get pound sand and get fucked. I don't live for anyone other than myself... So yea that's what I'd go back and tell myself.. Oh and I'd totally talk to the hot blonde from Grade 12 History (or what is Law? I can't even remember)

Look at that folks, you got a mini rant out of me after all... I'll be back early next week with another good one.

Oh and let me save you the smart ass remark of "I'd go back in time and not click on this blog post!"